show at b ville: my life

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today my band has a show at Burgerville, the one we are playing at is in South East Portland Oregon, its on hip street called Hawthorn that has a lot of restaurants and interesting shop. Playing here will be one of the most fun, weird, and interesting shows that we have played yet. We are playing with two other acts, they both are very popular and have "scene cred." I'd like to think we do too, not as a band but as our own separate entity's, all of our members have been doing some sort of music in this town for a wile including Travis of Please step out of the Vehicle, and Jose who is in Jizz Wisard, Batmen (formally Ganglionn), Luke of a Noise outfit that went by a few different names, and me, with my slacked rock band Holy (holy) Smokes, who is currently on 'hiatus" but who only plan on "playing" "one" more show. All the quotes mean is that I'll believe it when i see it! Back to the show tonight, Luke has been the master mind of setting it up and he took a total different approach to setting it up than I ever have, he just asked everyone that we are online friends with if they'd play the show... so we got a lot of yeses and nos and after we got 2 the show was booked and solid. We are very happy with the line up, i made a cool flier for it as scene on our profile page. A few days later we got a few more responses from bands saying they could play and we had to turn them down, which is no big deal if the band checks their mail every day, but when they don't and post they they are playing the show on their page shit gets sketchy. So as the responsible one tries to set in motion a way to let them know that they are not playing.... this is hard because i do not have their phone numbers nor do I try to hang out at their house to much (dekum manor diy venue in town) so i was at a loss. I mentioned it to one of their friends and asked Jose (who does go there a lot) to tell them. None of this worked out. It turns out that none of this worked out and they ended up calling Jose who directed then to Luke who told them that they were in fact not on the show, no this were i;m freaked out cause i think its all my fault and that that band is now pissed at me and that they think it was just because "I didn't want them on that show" which is not true, it was just a full bill. So there is the drama.
So the reason I bring that up is because I'v been dealing with my own psychosis (i believe would be the right term for it) that has been killing me the last few months. I believe that most people hate and can't stand me, or just look at me and just say "fuck that dude." i also believe that when I do meet some one new, they ask people about me and they get the a mouthful of how much I suck and to stay away from me cause "I'm a fucked up perv" or some shit like that. this all started a wile ago when people started telling my wife not to get married to me cause I'm just bad and she does not need that, this led to us finding out a lot about our "friends" we founf out who really likes me and who wishes I were not around. At this time i was living with a bunch Kirsten (wife) and a bunch of dudes i was tight with and i didn't feel alone at all, I didn't feel abandon at all, i was really bummed and had to talk to a lot of people about what was going on but it all seemed to work out.
In July we moved out of that house and moved to a different part of town that's about 15min away. This is when i realized that i was way to "far" away and that i didn't matter any more, I wasn't available, I didn't have a place for shows, and i didn't have a band. I started hitting up the local bar and meeting a bunch of new people that seemed really cool and i was excited again, but it didn't take too long for the rumors to spread about me and i was soon outed again. This keeps on happening to be and I can't figure it out, I just feel like i'm just not very likable, which i think is weird cause I try to be the nicest person i can be. I mean I'm not sure If its all in my head or if people do hate me. Other evidence of people hating me or note caring at all is that ever since i'v had this new band a lot of the people that i thought were my "friends" have not shown up to any of them. These are people that will go see one band every week no matter what, so it's not like they are the kind of people that don't like to go out.
Another blow to my ego was when i moved on from the DIY house show scene and then to the local bar scene i started hanging out with my roommates ex-boyfriend (we started a band) who was still around a lot, we had a lot in common that i'm not going to get into in this blog, and i'm kind of leaving that part out on purpose cause it's a longer story than this. So dude and i would got out a lot to hang out and meet people and bullshit. There was one night that we met a few really cute girls and i totally was really into one of them and he was totally into the other so it was fun we carried on all night and that was that. The next day dude tells me he got the number from the girl he was talking to of the girl i was talking to, no big deal. So after a wile we were both spending time with this girl separately, then all of the sudden our band practices were getting weird and i was told it was because I had to many big dreams about the band that he did not feel the same about it. So this may have been the way it was, we played one show and the band was over, never talk about it, it was just over. I learned later that the dude and girl got heaver and having a "silly band" was not in his cards any more. "new job, new band, and new girlfriend." The funny thing is that at the same time girl started getting weird with me and started avoiding me by making pans with me and telling me at the last minute that she had to do something else. It turns out she just didn't want to hang out any more and that i was an "asshole" for being mad about being blown off. Hmmmm. Now these two don't hang out with me at all. More evidence that i suck.
So here I am its a few hours be for our show, I'm listening to a mix cd that Luke made for me and i'm loving it. Luke is now one of my best friend (i'll probably fuck that up somehow) and i've been hanging out with him a lot. But I still can't get over the idea that none of my old friends who i have texted about the show will show up and it totally bums me out. Now a lot people say to me "fuck them, who cares, stop winning, and all that shit" but i can't help it. So Luke is going to pick me up in a few, I've got to get ready. I plan on writing about how this all worked out so we'll see.